


Is This Love? Is This Grief?

by QueenKara671



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Character Study, Death in Childbirth, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Immortality, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Not knowing how to cope with grief, Phil's Blatant Favoritism of Techno, References to Phil's Hardcore Worlds, References to SMP Earth, References to TFTSMP, Reincarnation, Temporary Character Death, at all, it's subtle though, kind of?, phil causes chaos for the sake of causing chaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29955765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenKara671/pseuds/QueenKara671
Summary: And for the first time, in all of his years, the one thing he had tried so hard to prevent happened.Because he fell in love.---Phil reflects on his actions, and what caused them. This does not mean he changes his ways.
Relationships: Kristin Rosales Watson/Phil Watson, Technoblade & Phil Watson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Is This Love? Is This Grief?

Phil had been around for a very.

Long.

_ Time. _

He was not mortal. At this point he doubted he could even be considered close to mortal.

Wilbur had joked that he had created the world, and while that wasn't true, he had been one of the first beings to spawn in. Yes, spawn. He was not born, he was created, summoned out of the Aether by… something.

He saw humans and avians and piglins and enderman and elytrian and more be created--though, regrettably, that last set was now extinct, hunted by species who were kept from the skies for their beautiful wings, just so they could touch the stars.

Was it worth it? Sacrificing an entire community just to satisfy your own desires?

At the beginning of time, he would've said yes. 

He didn't know anymore.

He supposed that, if he were to say it now, he would be considered a hypocrite. After all, looking out at the wreckage of (formerly) L'manberg, he knew that he and Techno had done this out of their grief, their desire for revenge on this place that had forsaken them and Wilbur. Dream had done all of this out of his greed. It probably wasn't great of him and Techno to help Dream, not after what he had done to Tommy, but Phil couldn't particularly find it in himself to care. So what if something happened to Tommy? He would come back.

They always came back.

He didn't remember the first time he had met Wilbur Soot. He didn't remember much of that first life--just knew that a young boy had gotten too attached to him and had died a few times. Phil hadn't grieved. It was nature, after all. He had buried his corpse and left flowers on his grave, wishing him well in the afterlife.

He did, however, remember the second time he met him. And the third. And the fourth.

He remembered exactly when he realized this one was different.

This one came back.

At some point he had gotten attached. He wasn't sure when, but he began to treat the boy like a son. Then more came along, reincarnating across dozens of lives, sometimes fully themselves, sometimes only a whisper, yet enough for him to recognise. The latter was somehow more difficult for him than the former, though. It was always too far off--the few times he'd tried to interact, he'd found himself slipping up, calling "Dale" Tommy or "Joshua" Tubbo. So he stuck to dealing with the full incarnations, letting their almost-selves live out their lives of being a banker, a sheriff, a businessman, whatever. He'd always see them again, anyhow.

But if he was being honest, he did have a favorite.

_ (Phil was rarely honest with himself, these days. It was simply easier for him to interact with Techno, he always remembered the past when he was himself. Sometimes better than Phil did. Wilbur, Tommy, Tubbo, Ranboo, they never knew. They had their conflicts, the other two would play along, but there was always a little secret that the piglin and the immortal would keep. They knew the truth in all this. _

_ Though Phil should've spent more time with his other sons, anyways. Just because they wouldn't remember doesn't mean what happened didn't happen. Souls can twist and change throughout centuries of rebirth. Every new cycle affected his boys, though he didn't notice the merely imperceptible changes, and even now, probably wouldn't for millennia more.) _

None of it mattered, he told himself, swooping down from the heavens to shed blood for no one but himself. The only people who mattered would always come back, so why should he care if he had his fun destroying others, causing chaos? 

His sons got their chaos from somewhere, after all.

He wasn't called the Angel of Death for nothing.

He did what he wanted, burning down entire servers for his own amusement. 

But it got boring, after a while. So he calmed down, spent his years making builds that would be envied by any builder, pretending he was simply a humble server-hopper and exchanging stories with anyone who bothered to chat.

_ That _ was when he made the mistake.

That was when he met Kristen.

And for the first time, in all of his years, the one thing he had tried so hard to prevent happened.

Because he fell in love.

_ (For the very first time, too. He wasn't even sure if he loved his sons, not truly. He didn't take care of them, they were always fine on their own, so he never bothered. He didn't grieve them, they would always come back, so he never bothered. He showed affection rarely. He gave them advice on occasion, if he was close enough with any of them that cycle for it to be justified, but part of that was to show off his own expertise. Could he call any of that love? Did it even come close? _

_ There was no love like mortal love, no immortal could feel that same way for another one of their kind. But Kristen was mortal. Kristen he loved. _

_ Kristen he grieved.) _

He loved Kristen with everything he could give her. Built her castles, gave her riches beyond her wildest dreams.

And one day, when she pulled him aside, said she wanted to build a family instead, well. It wouldn't last. But could he really deny her?

Their first child had been Wilbur, of course. He should've expected it, honestly. They always followed him. He doted on the boy nonetheless, at first. Then he had found Techno in the Nether--abandoned because of his bloodlust, because of Chat, like usual--and his priorities had shifted. Wilbur still got attention from his mother, though. They were a happy family, even if half the family shared a secret they could never tell the others.

Then Kristen told him she wanted another child, and he agreed. Mortal lives were short, after all. He'd wanted to give her the best life he could.

_ (Mortal lives were short already, but her's was cut so much shorter. _

_ He should have never agreed. They were fine with two sons.) _

There were… complications with the second child. 

Kristen didn't make it. Tommy--he had immediately known the child was Tommy--Tommy had.

_ (He would never truly forgive Tommy for that. Kristen would've been disappointed, but he didn't care. He had never learned to cope with grief. _

_ In his mind, it wasn't coincidence. Some sick joke of the Fates. It was Tommy's fault. _

_ Tommy would never know why Phil didn't trust him. Techno would know, though. _

_ He would tell Tommy it wasn't his fault. Because, well.  _

_ It wasn't.) _

Phil had felt nothing for so long. And then he loved. And then he grieved.

He had vowed to feel nothing again.

_ (But there was a new pain now, when he killed Wilbur. He didn't know why. He tried to pretend it wasn't there. He tried for so long. But now he knew it was the pain of grief. _

_ His sons reminded him so much of Kristen, now. Every time he lost them it was like losing her again.  _

_ But they would always come back. She wouldn't.) _

He sighed and resigned himself to grieving as he walked away.

**Author's Note:**

> I... I wrote all of this in like. An hour. I don't know what happened.
> 
> Also originally this was supposed to be a side story for Of Children and Chess Pieces (my main series) but then I realized it did not fit with Techno's perspective at all and I didn't wanna rewrite it soooooo whatever I guess lmao


End file.
